Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize