just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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