But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
