What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
