You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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