you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
