I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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