if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
