I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
