I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
