Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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