if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
