i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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