Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
