k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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