god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
