Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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