I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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