last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
