How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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