I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Still dying that you shit outside
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize