For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
