we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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