half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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