I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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