I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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