She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize