I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
True strength comes from lack of pants
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
