My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize