I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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