I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
