My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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