Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
