i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
