it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
