a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
