I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
She even gives head with a lisp.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
