After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
