one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
