We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
