Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
