Can i not drive my cunt home
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
