well I can't set my house on fire every night
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
