He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
