I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I am naked and annoyed.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize