Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
