so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
