I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I AM VODKA MAN
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
