Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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