$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
