the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
