i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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