just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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