How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
