so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
