the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
