woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I have fence marks all over my body
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
